Are You Over Her?

I’ll come back to Part 2 of “The Popular Kid Was Never That Good at Talking to Women,” but I just really wanted to write this while it was still recent.

“Are you over her?” Lenka asked.

6 months before I met my girlfriend, I met a girl named Paige.  It was last winter break, almost a whole year ago.  The thought of her still haunts me.  She broke me.  She broke me in a way that I thought would never be possible.  Every so often I remember what it was like to be with her.  I remember thinking about her, and losing her.

There’s an underlying property to falling in love with someone.  In some way, you can’t be caught up with someone else, even if they have left forever.  They somehow can’t be renting out a soft spot in your mind.  I don’t think that’s true.  I might be wrong.  The thing is, I try to move forward.  I try to move forward with everything in my life.  Just forward, just a clean b-line straight ahead to the next destination as fast and as eye level as possible.  However, the truth is, a lot of the things in my past still gnaw off little bits of my hopes for a future.  It’s not just with women; it’s sort of like this with a lot of the things in my life.

With every woman I’ve met, I tend to keep a piece of them with me whether I like it or not.  It’s a little encasing that just opens up whenever it feels like it, or it’s somehow triggered by specifically chosen items of nostalgia.  The problem that I had was that I always found something I truly liked in most of the women I dated.  I ended up finding something unique in the women who’ve come through my life, and it’s hard to let those things go.  It’s taken me awhile to forget a lot about the first girl I felt an emotional depth with.  But, on some level, to be honest, I kind of wish I hadn’t fully forgotten.

Lenka asked me, how I could fall in love with someone when my heart is somewhere else.  How can I fall in love with her when I’m not over Paige?  How is it possible?  It seems like there’s something absolutely totally wrong with that.

“Why do you love me?” I asked Lenka.

In a cute, sort of embarrassed, type of way, she told me things like how I make her laugh and how I make her happy.  As I listened over the phone, she ended up scrolling down a long list of bullet points as to why she loved me.  I already knew what I was going to tell her by the time she finished.

“If I loved you for all of those same reasons, would you call that love?”


14 responses to “Are You Over Her?

  1. Not to simplify things, but of you have a pet and it dies do you stop loving it? And, if you get another pet, do you have to stop loving the first one to be able to love the second?

    I agree with you because I’m pretty sure you’re right.

    Every relationship changes us and makes us into the person we currently are. Why do we have to forget the reasons we loved someone just because it didn’t work out? How can you be who you are if you forget your past?

    Knowing that you had the capacity to love should be something you look at with pride, not regret. Loving someone (even if they aren’t there, or aren’t the same person anymore) shouldn’t prevent you from having a completely successful relationship now.

  2. I don’t really agree. I think there is a huge difference between still having a bit of love for someone and not being over them.

    I still have a little tiny miniscule amount of love in my heart for my ex, and always will, but that doesn’t mean I’m not over him. I am completely 100% over that relationship and would never want to revisit it (or him). A residue of love is not an indication that you’re not over someone – it’s more like a scar from a wound. It happens. After a while you forget about it, but if you look for it, you’ll see it there. It’s not going to stop you going adventuring and getting more scrapes and cuts and grazes.

    Woah. I think I lost myself in that terrible metaphor. Well, I hope that makes a little bit of sense.

  3. I don’t know. This seems a lot like giving someone who’s not around the power to dictate how you feel about someone else.

    It’s true that our experiences with people change us in some way and we can’t really deny that it happens. I guess I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around the idea of letting feelings linger like that. In my mind, it’s important to determine which changes were for the better or worse and accept or reject them accordingly.

  4. There will always be fluffier sheep, however, you never forget your first sheep.

  5. I totally know what you mean because I feel like I’m in the same boat right now with my ex. There are still times during the day when I think about him and it hurts no doubt. Part of me wants those thoughts to go away because I’m tired of hurting but so many of those memories are great. But I think there is a middle-space where you can still keep part of that person with you, but at a distance because if you don’t, moving on will never be possible. I think this is what I’m trying to do myself lately.

    I’d like to believe that you can love more than one person at once … the separation between the two lies with the person you love vs. the person you are IN love with.

  6. Exes are like that jar of Nutella that was so amazing while you were eating it, but then you ate too much and you hard to part ways. But you still remember how amazing it tasted, even though you are finished with that particular jar.

    I’ve got another metaphor that involves Venus and a Crustables sandwich.


  7. i do have respect for them but i never think about them emotionally anymore

    • I don’t know about that. I’m sure I don’t have respect for everyone, and I’m sure that can expand to a number of girls I dated. And I can’t say I don’t think of them emotionally, to be honest. It really ruins my day when they come up in my head.

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