I leaned against the refrigerator, my eyes staring at the center of the room. The lights were off. In the middle of the living room my friends danced in the dark on top of two wooden coffee tables. I was actually kind of jealous. The music bounced off the walls and everyone who surrounded me were lost in their movements, and I stood deafeningly still, statuesque even. I would’ve been mistaken as any other guy, shy of his wits, afraid of women, and unable to open up. I didn’t want to be that guy, the so called wall flower. But, as I stood wondering inclusively, the truth was that that guy and I, were the exact same person. Lost.
Ever since I could remember being social, I was always somewhat flirtatious. My friends hated me for it. More exact, my socially challenged friends hated me for it. Just the way I presented myself openly, the updraft of comfort, the easily drawn out sexual undertones; my guy friends hated it, they would stand idly by watching me talk. It wasn’t always like that. There was a time where no one could get any two words out of me, much less a conversation. However, once I was able to open up, laugh, and pry into a deeper meaning with most people I met, I found an inevitable charm. Since then, I never looked back onto my more proper and less boisterous, silent ways.
I never thought having a girlfriend would change that.
Innocent touches, flirtatious spells, and confident glares across the room starts to become an addiction. It’s as if everyone just started passing around dishes of your favorite slice of pie to constantly remind you that you shouldn’t have any, or even be there. I always thought my ability to talk to women carelessly was something of power. It is, practically, something that most men want to have but somehow don’t understand. It’s almost supernatural. It leaves people thinking, “maybe he’s just born with it?” It’s as if it’s that unrealistic. However, it only takes standing in a room full of people to find out who you really are. Having a girlfriend in a crowded area leaves me being socially awkward, and, most tantalizingly, powerless.
By midnight, after taking several senseless laps around the party, I found myself rewiring my mindset, reflecting on who I am, and rebooting my happiness, thinking of ways to find a balance with my thoughts and trying to find a peace that I really needed. I went over every way I use to meet women at parties. I needed a place where I could continue to be conscious of where I was, yet still continuing to stay morally obligated. I wasn’t single, but I wasn’t a loser either. I looked at my friends and felt a genuine honesty with myself. I started letting go of the idea that everything I did was to impress every woman that surrounded me.
Finally, I took my friend’s happy outstretched hand as I was lifted up onto the living room table.
As the party dissipated like a smokey substance released into the sky, I found myself sitting next to a girl who earlier was talking about linear algebraic equations. Nerds, I somehow always find myself next to them. We chatted lightly until she commented on my arms.
“I don’t like big arms, you’re muscly arms just make me want to vomit,” she said flirtatiously.
It lifted my spirits. I pulled my arm through her hair and across her shoulders to give her a light hug. She leaned her head in, moving her body closer into mine, her dark maroon colored hairs softly touching the skin on my neck.
“Sorry,” I said pulling my arm away from her, “You can’t do that, I have a girlfriend.”
I could feel her closeness turning into a nervous awkwardness as she lifted away from me. She smiled politely.
“Oh,” she said, “I figured.”
THE TITAN PROJECT 
Pingback: Tweets that mention How To Be the Most Attractive Guy At a Party and Still Stay In a Monogamous Relationship | THE TITAN PROJECT -- Topsy.com
I’ve always been a little upset about how people drastically change when they get into a relationship. It bothers me when one moment you have a best friend, and the next, after getting a girl friend, you never see him anymore.
Same goes with social interactions. I don’t like the idea of girlfriend = leash. Or the idea of social interaction/flirting = jealousy/cheating. I’m very open to the idea that both men and woman can freely mingle and interact with the opposite sex while still being completely faithful to one another. In some situations, it actually might heat up the relationship more. If you can be so comfortable with your relationship and confident in knowing that you can continually attract and love your partner, than you give yourself freedom to open up and enjoy other people’s company without the jealous undertones that affect so many relationships.
Maybe I’m just idealistic and am more free-spirited than most but I believe it’s possible to being in a secure, monogamous relationship while still meeting and having non-sexual fun with people of the opposite sex.
Good story, by the way.
I absolutely agree. I think the overall theme of your comment is “trust” and a subset buzz word might be “insecurity.” Not that you have insecurity, but the people who can’t constantly trust their girlfriends or boyfriends have very insecure parts. And because of that they feel like they can’t trust each other, in a result, end up smothering their loved ones.
Trust is a big factor in my relationship because my girlfriend and I don’t see each other that often, between her work schedule and my willingness to travel out into the city to see her, gets to be very rare. However, we stay in love with each other. I trust her in all she does. If I didn’t, I just wouldn’t be in a relationship with her.
This feels more reflective than instructive.
I have no trouble talking with people in groups. I know how to flirt without crossing the line and if you and your partner are secure in your relationship flirting should be no problem, and the line can be set further back.
I go to Talib Kweli for his take jealously, his lady and parties,
“And I don’t really care who she’s speaking with. Because I know she already made it clear who she’s leavin with.”
YUP
Thanks for stopping by Erin, and I honestly feel more myself when I’m not talking in instructions but in stories and personal fables. I feel it brings out a more dimensional person in me, and inspires more people to start living out loud.
I’ve been in my relationship for 6 months, it’s the first serious relationship I had ever since whatever you’d call a high school relationship. There’s definitely a lot of overthinking, spiritual breakthroughs, and of course breakdowns that I want people to know that I’m okay talking about. That it’s okay that I don’t know everything. That it’s bad to think I do know everything, and stupid to even think that anyone who gives advice shouldn’t be open to his flaws.
There’s a certain TED talk about vulnerability that’s been circling around the web lately. You could find it here: http://thetrailblazinglife.com/giants/the-vulnerable-entrepreneur/ It pretty much covers what I’m talking about.
Love you! 🙂
haha you sound like the man version of me. Although I wouldn’t say I’m purposefully flirtatious. I just like to make jokes and laugh at other peoples’ jokes and we both know the second a girl laughs at a guys joke she’s flirting with him, whether she means to or not.
I just got out of and still kind of in that “it’s complicated” mode of a 3 1/2 year relationship. I’ve always always always struggled with what you’re talking about. I like to go out and talk and flirt and be social, but it can be difficult when you have someone.
Having a boyfriend / girlfriend can be amazing. The companionship of it is irreplaceable and being in love is, well, you know, there are no words. That’s all part of that “deeper meaning.”
But even when you’re in love or you’re just starting out on that path, there’s always those little details and exceptions that slip through the cracks.
…And we’re only human to think, “Diamn that guy/girl is fine. I want to know them.” haha
Cute.
I know that version of men who feel like “I got this one in the bag” as soon as they make a girl laugh. I’m surrounded by those guys all day everyday. I’ll be honest though, I grew up on my own most of the time. And most of the time I preferred not to go to bars with friends because their constant approach to just hanging off of me. It’s like babysitting. I use to go to social events with the sole purpose to meet, get numbers, and see boobies. However, my emotions would be sporadic and in waves. Once I found my girlfriend, a beacon of happiness, I decided I wanted more of that in my life.
Thanks for stopping by Lauren
Hmm.
I have this social ease too, but I tone it down a LOT when I’m not single – either that or I make it clear I’m taken before the other person has even considered making a move. For example, if that last part had happened to me I’d be annoyed with myself for having seemed too available.
The only thing that should switch with that social ease is that you learn to refocus it more on your own gender – learn to be more at ease with people without relying on sexual undertones; flirting with the opposite sex to the point where the other person thinks you might be interested is a No. There’s a fine line between actively flirting and just being charming, and the undercurrent is sexual intent. When I’m single, I’m very flirty. When I’m taken, I’m charming. If you can find the difference then you’re home free.
Respect.
Hey Jonathan, I like your musings on flirting and being yourself. I’m a big flirt, always came naturally. One of my friends used to say, I did this thing with my mouth, kind of puffed out my lips and she always knew that meant I was in flirt mode. She was in awe when we’d go to a bar or party and she’d spot some guy, then see me chatting with him two minutes later. Always happened. I think flirting is something that either comes naturally or doesn’t. Maybe it’s self confidence or maybe it’s just cockiness, either way I like how your writing meanders through your own evolving expression of it.
Thank you Katie, and I want you to know, I, too, puff out my lips when I talk to someone 🙂 jk.
I don’t think flirting comes naturally, because of the high respect of men who have never thrown themselves into a flirtatious scene ever. Flirting isn’t hard if you have common social skills and more importantly, initiative. However, it’s hard to be funny, it’s hard not to talk in interview questions, it’s hard to get that deeper meaning and continue to be comfortable. But frankly, after acquainting yourself, those things all come in time.
he he lovely post! And you should always be yourself.
well, that’s incredibly hallmark. Maybe I’ll write another post about being yourself, and the woes of not wanting more.
The truth is it is very hard to socialize at a party without flirting. I don’t understand exactly how it works for guys, but girls know they have that tool, so when all else fails flirting will make the guy stay around. If you find the right single one.
It is a good tool to have, I have used it a lot.
It gets tough when you are in a relationship, and I have not seen anyone successfully change it up to fit that monogamous lifestyle. It seems to always get too close to going over the line, as you demonstrated, gotta find a way to stop it early, or a way so that it never gets anywhere near there.
That is true Dani, but the problem with being in a monogamous relationship is that people constantly over think their boundaries. Like those guys who constantly lurk around their girlfriends and ask them about every guy they meet and everywhere they go.
The broad theme of this blog post should’ve been trust. But that’ll have to wait until next time.
Well of course, without trust a relationship won’t go very far. But it is hard to trust someone, especially right away.