I could feel her heart beating, her eyes wrecked on exploring what might be. I could feel myself subconsciously reaching for my phone, but didn’t. I simply returned her gesture with a simple grin and started walking away. With every step I felt the immense feeling of loss, roping me back to her just for one more bite. But I couldn’t.
I’ve done this a hundred times, led someone on and left abruptly. I do it all the time, sometimes uncontrollably, sometimes with very inappropriate intentions. At some point I made an effort to not retrieve any woman’s contact information, no matter how big, bright, and beautiful the outlook for the future might’ve been. It felt like throwing away the perfect sunset without taking a picture. This was before Lenka.
I was training myself to be in control of my feelings. It’s like self inflicting pain to learn that it won’t kill you. I couldn’t have every woman. I didn’t intend to fall in love with everyone, yet I was slowly realizing that I was. Every number, every call, and every text message, turned into a fantasy display of anticipated future fireworks and long waltzes across days of could be would be love. With every pink lipped, tiny outlined cheeked, woman, I found that my intentions were unrealistic. I was setting myself up for failure, more importantly, my unhappiness. It was sad.
When I was younger I ran cross country. During my first year of running all I wanted to do was be the fastest freshmen, which meant I had to beat one person, Sheldon. I went to lengths, most impossible feats, and at the end of the first race, I was ahead of him all the way to the end. But I didn’t stop there, I wanted more.
I picked out members of my team, picked out people from other schools. I was on a murderous rampage to be more capable than any one of my targets. I was faster than anyone from the school next to us. The next school next to that one took me awhile, but after a year, I topped everyone who was in my league. I did this over and over again, and I was never satisfied.
My coaches would ask me, why do I run? Why was I on the team? What drove me?
I would answer:
“There’s no better feeling than knowing that I’m better than someone else.”
“I want to be the best.”
The thoughts of inadequacy fueled my desire to train harder, to get up at 5am to run 9 more miles before school started, in addition to our regularly scheduled practices. My thoughts of not being good enough became my perseverance.
My coaches and teammates told me I was running for all the wrong reasons. That someday there won’t be people to beat, someday I’ll find myself defeated, someday I’ll grow old and start withering away and my hopes of beating my PR would peak, and I would plummet. They told me, the only way to truly love something is to love every moment of it no matter what it curtails.
Why did they do it?
“Because I seriously love to run.”
. . . they would say.
If You Don’t Love Every Moment, You’re Just Lying To Yourself
I was never trying to impress my friends when I took down a woman’s number. Their abilities to meet women weren’t exactly up to par.
I was never rating women on a scale of one to ten, measuring whether or not someone were to be deserving of me, as if I was the grand prize of some elimi-date.
However, my real intentions was to fall in love. That maybe someday we could lay in bed for hours on end with no other intentions other than to be together forever on clouds of happily ever after. That’s where I went wrong, that’s where I became needy. And because of that, I was setting myself up to become more and more miserable.
A conversation with a stranger is just that, a conversation. There shouldn’t be anticipation for wedding bells (here’s looking at my female viewers) or sex (men) but just the simple love for having a conversation filled with laughter and comfort. If ever we find out that something just didn’t go in the direction in which we were hoping, we should never feel as if we’ve lost our future, but simply feel that we’ve gained the moment. As humans we tend to fantasize about the future becoming this mesmerizing unbelievable picture of happiness, and it’s unfortunate that every time we do that and lose that, we become devastated. That’s unrealistic and unfair.
Don’t let the future scare you, keep trying.
Don’t skip off to the future just yet, right now is still waiting patiently for you to come back down.